There is often a private moment after a setback when the noise disappears and the questions begin. Who am I now? What could I have done differently? And perhaps the hardest one: where do I go from here?
For best-selling author and emotional wellbeing expert Elizabeth Jane, those questions are deeply human. A lost job, the end of a relationship, financial strain or an unexpected change in health can unsettle more than our plans. They can shake our confidence, identity and sense of what the future was supposed to look like.
Jane’s approach begins with resisting the urge to make one painful experience the definition of an entire life. Resilience, in her view, is not about appearing untouched. It is found in the quieter work: feeling disappointment without living inside it, keeping small promises to yourself, choosing whose voices you allow into vulnerable moments and slowly finding the confidence to imagine something new.
In this Q&A with Divine Magazine, Jane talks about what it takes to move from “Why did this happen to me?” to “What am I going to do now?” — and why the goal after a difficult chapter may not be getting your old life back at all.
SPOTLIGHT
MAGAZINE
Best-Selling Author
ELIZABETH JANE
Best-selling author, keynote speaker and emotional wellbeing expert Elizabeth Jane writes about the moments when life stops resembling the plan. Through her work on resilience, relationships and personal transformation, she explores how setbacks can unsettle identity while also creating space for a different future. Her book Free and First – Unlocking Your Ultimate Life centres on reclaiming personal power, rebuilding confidence and learning to move forward without allowing one painful chapter to define the whole story.
WORDS — DIVINE MAGAZINE · 2026
Q&A with Elizabeth Jane
Why do some people seem more resilient after major setbacks?
Elizabeth Jane: Resilience isn’t necessarily something you’re born with. It is something you can develop. Resilient people still experience grief, anger, fear and disappointment, but they don’t allow those emotions to permanently define them or what happens next.
They eventually shift their focus from what has happened to what they can do now. That shift is incredibly powerful because it moves you from feeling powerless to recognising that you still have choices.
Why can asking “why me?” make recovery more difficult?
Elizabeth Jane: “Why me?” keeps us focused on the past, and on something we often cannot change. Instead of adopting a victim mentality, an empowering question is, “What can I learn from this and what do I do next?”
In my book Free and First – Unlocking Your Ultimate Life, I talk about reclaiming your personal power. Part of that process is recognising when we are giving our energy to circumstances outside our control and consciously bringing our attention back to the things we can influence.
What might the lesson from a setback look like in everyday life?
Elizabeth Jane: It doesn’t have to be some profound revelation. It might be realising you need stronger boundaries, that a relationship wasn’t healthy, that you ignored your intuition or that your career no longer makes you happy.
Sometimes the lesson is simply discovering that you’re capable of surviving something you never imagined you could. Maybe it is that you need to focus more on self-care before giving your time and energy to others. The important thing is to look for what the experience can teach you rather than allowing the pain to be meaningless.
How do you stop a setback from becoming part of your identity?
Elizabeth Jane: Separate what happened to you from who you are. A relationship ended; this does not mean you are a failure. You lost a job; however, this does not mean you are unemployable. Someone rejected you, but this does not mean you are unlovable.
We can unconsciously turn experiences into labels and then start living according to those labels. Your setback is one chapter of your story. It doesn’t have to become the title of the entire book.
A setback can be a wonderful opportunity for personal growth and new opportunities. “If things aren’t going right, go left.”
Does resilience mean trying to stay positive all the time?
Elizabeth Jane: Absolutely not. Forced positivity can actually prevent us from processing what we’re experiencing. You are allowed to be devastated and to feel angry, disappointed or frightened. Acknowledging and feeling the heavy emotion assists us to start the healing process.
Resilience is not pretending everything is wonderful; it is allowing yourself to experience difficult emotions without wallowing in them. Grey clouds will pass. You will not feel this way forever. You can choose to acknowledge the pain, process it and gradually start moving forward.
What can someone do when negative thinking starts taking over?
Elizabeth Jane: Start questioning the story your mind is telling you. Ask yourself: Is this actually true, or is this what I’m afraid might be true?
When we’re struggling, our thoughts can become incredibly absolute and our fears magnified: “I’ll never find someone else,” “I’ll never recover financially,” “I’ve ruined everything.” Interrupt those thoughts and bring yourself back to what you actually know today.
Choose a better thought and then focus on one small action you can control that eases your overwhelm and assists you to feel better.
How important are the people around us during a difficult period?
Elizabeth Jane: Enormously important. The people around you can either reinforce hopelessness or remind you of who you are when you’ve temporarily forgotten.
You need people who will listen and support you, but also people who won’t allow you to remain permanently trapped in victimhood. Sometimes the most valuable friend is the person who compassionately says, “This has been terrible, but you’re going to get through it. What’s our next step?”
Why is comparison particularly damaging after a setback?
Elizabeth Jane: Because you’re usually comparing your most vulnerable moment with somebody else’s highlight reel. Social media makes this particularly dangerous.
You may be going through divorce, financial problems, career upheaval or loneliness while watching someone else apparently enjoying the perfect marriage, holiday or career. You don’t know what is happening behind their photographs.
Your journey has its own timeline and comparing it with somebody else’s can rob you of the energy you need to rebuild your own life. Comparing, complaining and judging others keeps dragging the heavy past into your future, keeping you feeling low. Everyone has their own life’s journey; your job is to take care of yours.
If someone’s confidence has collapsed, where should they begin?
Elizabeth Jane: Begin very small. Don’t wait until you “feel confident” before doing something. Confidence is often created after action, not before it.
Make one decision for yourself, keep one promise to yourself or do something you’ve been avoiding. Exercise, make the phone call, apply for the job, go somewhere alone. Every time you prove to yourself that you can take action, you rebuild a little trust in yourself.
Don’t forget to acknowledge each baby step forward and reward yourself with something that nurtures you.
What does reclaiming personal power actually mean?
Elizabeth Jane: It means recognising that although you cannot control everything that happens to you, you can increasingly control how you respond and what happens next. This is a central theme in Free and First.
We can spend years handing our happiness to partners, employers, family members or circumstances. Reclaiming your power means taking responsibility for your choices, boundaries, reactions and future.
It is the moment you stop waiting for someone else to change before giving yourself permission to live differently. You become the leader of your life.
Where does gratitude fit when someone is genuinely struggling?
Elizabeth Jane: Gratitude should never be used to dismiss genuine pain. Telling somebody who is devastated to “just be grateful” can be incredibly unhelpful. But gratitude can coexist with difficulty.
You can be grieving a relationship and grateful for your children. You can be frightened about your future and grateful for a friend who called you. Gratitude doesn’t erase what is wrong; it reminds your brain that what is wrong is not everything that exists.
Focusing on what we are grateful for rather than what we are lacking can uplift us and help attract more abundance into our lives.
You encourage people to reinvent rather than simply recover. Why?
Elizabeth Jane: Because recovery suggests getting back to who you were before. Sometimes life gives us an opportunity to become someone different.
After a major setback, you have the chance to question everything: What do I actually want? What no longer serves me? What have I tolerated? Who am I now?
Reinvention means you’re not simply rebuilding the old life. You’re consciously creating who you are becoming, hopefully with greater authenticity and self-awareness. It’s an opportunity to become the best version of yourself.
What separates resilient people from those who remain stuck?
Elizabeth Jane: Often it is not the severity of what happened; it is what they eventually decide to do with it. Resilient people gradually move from “Why did this happen to me?” to “What am I going to do now?”
They accept that they may not be able to change the event, another person’s behaviour or the past. But they recognise they still have agency over the next decision. Resilience is built through those decisions, one after another.
What would you say to someone facing a major disappointment right now?
Elizabeth Jane: Don’t make permanent conclusions about your life based on how you feel during one of its hardest moments. You don’t have to have everything figured out today. Feel what you need to heal, surround yourself with good people and concentrate on the next manageable step.
What feels like the end of your story may ultimately become the point where your life changes direction for the better.
You may not have chosen what happened to you, but you still have a say in what happens next.
Often what seems at the time to be a major setback can become your greatest comeback.
About Elizabeth Jane
Elizabeth Jane is a best-selling author, keynote speaker, artist and emotional wellbeing advocate whose work focuses on resilience, relationships and personal transformation. Her book Free and First – Unlocking Your Ultimate Life explores moving through divorce and other significant life changes while rebuilding confidence, purpose and joy.
Based in Sydney and a mother of four adult children, Jane is a Commerce graduate who later completed a Diploma in Education. Her career spans mentoring, public speaking, writing and the arts.
Yoga, meditation and painting also form part of her creative and wellbeing practice. Across her writing, speaking and artwork, the connecting thread is helping people move through change without allowing a difficult chapter to become the entire story.